It's not just about presents - it's about Presence

I have spent the majority of this last month surprised at myself. Christmas is usually my favorite time of year, and I'm in the spirit of it all from November 1st through January 1st. But this year, something's been different. I've wondered if tiredness or busyness has been the cause of my lack of yuletide joy - I haven't been able to put my finger on it.

At church last week, the Lord showed me something very specific. This Christmas, He wanted to give me a gift - but not the usual kind. He wanted to give me a better Gift - Himself. He wanted time to share more of Himself with me. Not what He could do for me, but just being with Him. And He asked me for a gift in return - He wanted me, not "doing things" for Him, but just being with Him.

When I think about presents at Christmas, I'm usually thinking about the stuff I do to buy for family and friends and the stuff I get to open. But this Christmas, the Lord was inviting me into His presence - something I needed far more than I had even realized.

So my Christmas spirit has finally appeared, but for a very different reason. May you enjoy the presents given and received - but don't forget to also bask in the glorious Presence of the One whose birth saved the world!

When you realize the last blog you posted was 3 months ago. . .

When you start a blog, there's a certain level of commitment. After all, if you want people to continue to view it, you have to keep it updated, provide new information. Sadly, I have fallen badly off the blogging wagon. Maybe it was school starting and trying to get the kids on a new schedule - or put myself on one. I seriously feel like I'm repeating 2nd grade and Kindergarten, what with helping them with homework, making time to listen to the girls read, answer math questions (and trust me, I'm SO bad at that one!) and making sure I have all the important school events on my calendar.

So, I'm getting up, brushing myself off and getting back on the blogging bandwagon! And this is, by far, the most boring blog I've ever written. I'm baaaacckk!! :)

Summer's over - sniff!

I can't believe it's time to go back to school! This summer went by so fast, and we had so much fun. Our trip to Washington, swimming lessons, numerous trip to the library - what restful fun we had!

The relaxation is behind us, because this is a momentous year - my baby is starting Kindergarten! Kelsey loved her first 2 days, and is excited to be a "big kid" and get dropped off and picked up through the carpool line like Meagan. My life has drastically changed. While I go to Regency 2 mornings a week, I'm on my own the other 3 mornings - it is SO strange! Right now I'm pretty emotional about it, but everyone tells me that pretty soon I'll love it!

So there they are, my beautiful 2nd grader and my beautiful Kindergartner. Ready for the adventure of a new school year - way more ready than mommy feels!

I think I'll go have [another] good cry right now. . .

Don't cry because it's over - smile because it happened.

Two years after my Mom died, I was sitting at her grave on her birthday. I was crying, thinking about her and how much I missed her. But then, an overwhelming thankfulness filled my soul. I sat and continued to cry, but lifted my hands and praised God for Sherry Rostek. I thanked Him for giving me such an incredible woman as a mom. I worshipped Him for His goodness in giving me Mom for 27 years - a woman who had loved me, sacrificed for me and showed me the way to Jesus in everything she did. Being able to truly praise God and be thankful for my mom instead of just struggling with the all encompassing reality of her loss was when I knew God had healed me from my grief.

I read this quote a couple of days ago: "Don't cry because it's over - smile because it happened." This puts into words what God showed me that day at my Mom's grave. But it's also something I'm trying to put into practice in other areas of my life, too.

We just came back from our amazing vacation to Washington to visit Chris, Erica and the kids. Oh how we love being with them! We call it our "Cordle Bubble" - for a week, nothing of the outside world gets in! We laugh, play, talk, share and bond in ways that are beyond precious. But when we get to the night before we leave to go home, boy do the tears flow! The kids cry, I cry, Erica cries - and Craig and Chris try to keep us from floating away on our tears (I think they secretly cry in the bathroom!)

So I'm choosing to dry up my tears and be thankful that I have an amazing sister and her phenomenal family. I'm so glad that we're close and that our families adore each other. And I'm also glad that Grammie looks down on her brood and smiles - well done, Sherry!

Congrats, Kelsey!

So my baby girl reached her first academic milestone: she's now a preschool graduate! We were so proud watching Kelsey get her diploma. She has become quite an amazing girl, filled with humor, fun and a love for Jesus! His Little Lambs Preschool has been such an amazing experience for both our girls and a safe, loving place for them to begin their forays into the big world of education!

But I feel like this moment is also a milestone for me. I'm not the mommy of baby girls anymore. My days are not filled with binkies, diapers and making sure they don't put things in their mouths. Instead, my big girls are learning how to deal with hurt feelings, growing in friendships and are my partners in adventure! I truly enjoy each new stage they reach more than the last. The fleeting years as a stay-at-home mom with babies are over. Boy did it fly by!

When Meagan and Kelsey graduate high school, I don't want to look back and wish I'd spent more time or paid more attention, or just talked and laughed with them more. I want to make sure I make each moment as their mommy count. Right now, they want me involved in everything! They want me to help them pick out their outfits, play games with them or watch a movie together. Sometimes I'm tired and I just want to go crash. But I'm reminded that they won't prefer me above others for very long - so I am treasuring these moments, even when I'm weary. And somehow, when I push through my tiredness for their sake, I'm reinvigorated by their energy, their zest for all things and their childlike trust in God - and I thank Him for blessing me with these two little angels. They minister as much to me as I do to them!

We have today. . .

My sis called me this morning and told me that Steven Curtis Chapman's 5 year old daughter had been killed yesterday when her teenage brother accidentally hit her in the driveway. I started to cry instantly. I looked at Kelsey and couldn't imagine losing my 5 years old. I cried because I know the grief brought on by the death of a loved one. I ached for a teenage boy who will struggle to forgive himself for such a tragedy.

I have to be honest - I always struggle with fear when I hear stories like this. What does my future hold? What will I face in the years ahead? The battle to surrender my fear to God is daily - and sometimes it is moment by moment.

I've talked to a couple of my friends recently about a truth the Lord has been emblazing in my heart: we have to live one day at a time. There are so many times when I am consumed by my thoughts of tomorrow - both the good (my dreams and hopes) and the bad (my fears and worries). What will happen in the future? Will Craig arrive home safely from his business trip? Will my kids be safe today? I am learning that I have to release those thoughts and be fully present in each day. I have to be aware before the Lord - am I being who I'm supposed to be? Am I spending time with God? Am I giving myself completely to what the Lord has given into my care today?


Matthew 6:34 says, “So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today." There are a lot of things to worry about - I'm on overload from hearing about natural disasters killing hundreds of thousands of people in the world. Now a new report has come out that the "big one" - a huge earthquake, will hit Southern Claifornia in the next 30 years. Great - something to look forward to.

But these verses teach us that Jesus is very clear - we are not to worry about tomorrow. We are to focus our energy into today, what it holds, and how we follow God's lead through this present moment.

In reading The Shack (which I truly believe is a must-read), the main character, Mack, and Jesus have a conversation about this very topic.

Mack says, "For me, I spend a big piece in the past, but most of the rest of the time, I'm trying to figure out the future." [Jesus says] "Not unlike most people. When I dwell with you, I do so in the present - I live in the present. Not the past, though much can be remembered and learned by looking back, but only for a visit, not an extended stay. And for sure I do not dwell in the future you visualize or imagine. Mack, do you realize that your imagination of the future, which is almost always dictated by fear of some kind, rarely, if ever, pictures me there with you?

I could quote so much more of this section of the book, but here is the kicker of that section:
[Jesus says] "The person who lives by their fears will not find freedom in my love. I am not talking about rational fears about legitimate dangers, but imagined fears, and especially the projection of those into the future. To the degree that those have place in your life, you neither believe I am good, nor know deep in your heart that I love you. You sing about it, you talk about it, but you don't know it." (The Shack, pages 141-142).

Jesus loves me - do I really know? I am learning to walk more deeply in God's amazing, passionate, and all consuming love for me - and walk in the true knowledge of it every day. Because when I am present in each moment, looking to Jesus for love and direction, my every day looks very different.

I love you , Mom.

Today it has been 5 years since my Mom passed away. It seems like it was yesterday - it seems like it was forever ago. I miss her and think about her every day. I miss the million kisses she used to shower on my cheeks, even as an adult. I miss her wisdom when I'm facing a difficult time. I miss laughing together over memories. I miss her delighting in me as her daughter. I miss her being Grammie to my girls.

I was sitting at her grave today, and you know what the Lord reminded me? That Sherry Rostek is free - gloriously released from all the pain and sickness this earth held. My Mom had faced painful issues in her childhood, and always struggled, wanting her daddy's love. But she is now in the presence of the One who adores her more than anything. He is delighting in her and loves her completely. She is no longer a victim of cancer. She is a victorious warrior, alive and well in her heavenly home. I often wish her battle with cancer had turned out differently. But I would also never want to rob her of the immense freedom and joy she is experiencing now.

So I look toward today and tomorrow and am so thankful for the amazing Mom I had for 27 years. And I embrace God's mothering of me - where He intimately and lovingly cares for me - showering my cheeks with kisses, giving me wisdom in difficult times, laughing with me over memories, delighting in me as His daughter. My awesome Mom was only a reflection of our God's great love - and I'm thankful for that now more than ever!